Wednesday, January 27, 2010

20th Century declared "A Hoax"

In what is certain to be the most stunning mass deception in human history, world leaders met in Bern, Switzerland this morning to publicly confess that the entire 20th century, (and what has already passed as the first decade of the 21st), have been declared "a hoax." While details are still unfolding, the purpose of the hoax was to distract the public from various "real" world affairs with an "alternate reality" of sufficient diversion, as leaders hashed things out. Today's date has been established and verified to be February 12, 1900.

"It was all quite necessary," said an official close to the hoax, who wished to remain anonymous; "I guess it just got out of hand."

Apparently, by 1897 a series of geopolitical tensions, financial crisis and shocking sports betting scandals so rocked the foundations of power that it was deemed essential to distract the mass public in an illusion of epic proportions. Early in 1898 Nikolia Tesla and George Washington Ferris were dispatched to the north and south poles to construct massive electromagnets which would invade human thought. Meanwhile, newspaper publishers, editors & writers across the globe were conscripted into service along with battalions of stage hypnotists to coax the public to imagine an elaborately scripted scenario of parallel events which were wholly fictitious. This "reality", which was penned by authors H.G. Wells and Jules Verne working in tandem, filled the public consciousness with tales of dazzling inventions such as a motor-powered "aeroplane", a "horseless" carriage (also known as a "motor car"), "motion pictures" and something called "The ShamWow!" To balance the "highs", the two scribes then concocted various tragedies such as a 'Great Depression' and several "World Wars" involving unimaginable machinery and weapons to keep the public vacillating between delight and horror. It all now is revealed to have been fabricated out of whole cloth. "It was all supposed to take place in the same amount of actual time that was passing," our source said,"but the boys just got so carried away, the narrative got so dense, we had to make time appear to slow down..." To do so required mass collusion of makers of timepieces and calendars, who were able to make the past 751 days appear to take 112 years.

The repercussions of the instantaneous eradication of so large a chunk of "time" has implications both global and individual which have yet to be sorted out. Various religious and ethnic minorities, for instance, are unsure as to whether their respective troubles are over or have just begun. Individual fortunes have risen and fallen as well. Typical is one James "Jim" Cameron of Malibu, California, who having imagined himself to be something called a "movie mogul," fell into a sputtering rage of obscenity when confronted with the following message from his actual employer (Avery Briggs of Santa Monica Livery): "Please report to the stables post haste with broom in hand, or see yourself replaced by a younger and more agreeable fellow."

Not everyone is confused or angry however. An anonymous apprentice patent clerk in Austria was positively elated at the news. "I feel vindicated," he told friends, adding cryptically that this confirmed his personal theories of time and space. "At first I thought it was mine watch, but then I thought WTF?" he has been quoted. Here in nearby Whittier, California, 67 year old D. Whitney Washburn, a self-described thimble rigger waxes more philosophical: "I see the whole thing as a great weight off. Certain inexplicable things like TWITTER and the popularity of Lucile Ball finally make sense. And cassette tape recorders, I always thought they were fake."

President Barrack Obama looking bewildered but frankly relieved said he received notice from the office of President McKinley that the two would meet as early as tonight to discuss the future of our nation, over a game of WHIST and a pitcher of draft ale. President McKinley, who is visiting friends in Seneca Falls, NY, was unavailable for comment.

More to come.


Jason Lethcoe said...

Absolute genius.

David Nethery said...

This is brilliant.

Explains so much.

Jorge Garrido said...

This is the funniest fucking thing I've read in years, Will. I was cracking up reading that shit in class.

Will Finn said...

Thanks Jason, David and Jorge.

Your language has shocked Mrs. McKinley, however.

Pete Emslie said...

Now, wait a minute - if I wasn't born until well into the 20th century, do I even exist?!! So much for Descartes' "I think, therefore I am". I thought I was, but apparently I'm not!

(So who's reading this blog now? Has the internet even been invented?)

Will Finn said...

Pete, the electromagnets are still on, so the illusion is still functioning. Presidents Obama & McKinley have discovered that here in the states people are polarized as to whether or not they'd like the hoax to end. They are currently discussing an 'opt in/ opt out' program on a state by state basis but nothing has been finalized. I don't know how they are handling it in Canada.

To answer your other question, you are still you, and your own age, but were actually born around mid nineteenth century. Those memories have been suppressed by the subconscious in order to perpetuate the alternate version.