Thursday, January 28, 2010

"Animanafofaniscope" is here!

video
(Burbank) Although attendees had signed affidavits promising to refrain from using the overworked phrase "game changer", a goodly amount of buzz was created last night at an event held by Snelgrove Industries. Representatives unveiled a secret patented process whereby synthetic images appear to come to life (see above).

While animation has been with us for the past 15 years or so, the inherently digital process can be expensive and time consuming. Using a miraculous proprietary technique of "Manual-Linear-Manipulation" (aka "MLM"), Snelgrove reps say literally anything can be created and brought to life in a fraction of the time it takes digital technology.

"Fantastic," said one onlooker, watching the above film clip demonstration, (although she may have been referring to the shrimp cocktail). "It's not quite Crippen," said a man wearing a faded National Lumber t-shirt, "But it's 'Crippenesque'..."

An enthusiastic studio chief (who asked not to be identified) was ecstatic, explaining: "The old way of doing this I gotta get Sir Anthony Hopkins or Sigourney Weaver or Serena Williams or some other seven-figure talent to jump around in some ping-pong wetsuit for nineteen weeks in front of this g**d**** 'green sheet.' Sound expensive? That's just the beginning. Even after that it takes about 600 M.I.T. grads two and half years to 'ray trace' or 'gene splice' the footage just so it can wind up looking like the actor we filmed to begin with! With this new process, they tell me some monkey did this in his spare bedroom in about ten minutes. I'm no Bill Gates, but one jerk versus all that sounds like a bargain to me."

Less optimistic is A. Hugh Jassol, a Wall Street entertainment investment specialist who did not attend the event but acted as if he did:

"Audiences have come to expect more and more spectacular visuals from films these days. The technology available is not only mind boggling, but becoming more and more sophisticated every season. And the audience's expectations go along with that. Take all that away and you'd have to fill that void with original characters and entertaining scripts, which is just something the technology cannot currently provide us with. Maybe it will someday, but for now, it makes sense to keep laying the visuals on with a trowel."

The jury is still out. But the afore mentioned studio chief (who was reportedly fired this morning) was quoted last night as saying: "Count me in. That Anthony Hopkins is a royal pain in the neck anyway."

8 comments:

Kawks! said...

What did I just read? :O

chrisallison said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA hilarious.

enough teasers, let's see a beautiful, entertaining 30 second short. i know you have a million of them in you.

Mike said...

Ditto. Still, I love these fake-but-oh-so-true news stories.

david gemmill said...

it said it was removed! NOOOO!

david gemmill said...

WAIT A SECOND. sorry i just played it and it started working! weird google. Well i guess it really was a teaser. hahah! cool nonetheless.

Blammo said...

Holy crap that was funny!

Vauben said...

I love to chuckle while sipping my morning coffee. MMC. Thanks for the moment.

Tom Mazzocco said...

National Lumber!! HAW HAW HAW!! You kill me!! Shorty and Cheap Chicken (a bird with a beak, for eating and a mouth, for talking) Brilliant!